February 10, Monday

Monday. Coffee. I prayed my head would stop hurting. I answered phone call after phone call. Once again, not enough sleep. That sounds like a typical start to another long week.

At 10 a.m. I walked over to my scheduled meeting. It began. And as the woman leading continued speaking, I heard talk of a death certificate. My ears perked up but I missed the information. The meeting continued and soon the name was there. I heard it clearly. My mind raced. I sat in disbelief. Shock. I looked to my colleague beside me who worked very closely with our client. She whispered, "He killed himself."

I had to hold back the tears. They were welling up inside my stomach and then my chest. I couldn't cry there. Every thought of our few encounters came to the forefront of my mind. I felt his pain all over me. I remember his tears.

My first encounter with him was a picture on a jail docket. I had no idea who he was, but the despair he wore on his face resonated with me. I remember the pain embedded in his eyes. It haunted my memories. It stayed with me.

I was stunned the day he walked into the same room that I was in. There to see the judge for things he could barely recall. As he listened to things being said, tears welled in his eyes. He said, " I don't remember any of this. I feel like I'm losing my mind."

My heart sank. I felt every ounce of his shame, his disappointment, his grief. He was taking care of his mother, who he was extremely close to. She was dying. Her health was showing no mercy. And he couldn't catch a break from life, from his own mind.

Alone. Very few friends or family and a caregiver to the one person that he was closest to on the planet. She would soon be gone.

Multiple people checked in with him. The last time I saw him, he was smiling. And yet, his desire to not exist was very real, very present. This wasn't his first attempt.

I saved his photo on my phone. He looks happy. That photo serves as a constant reminder that what seems to be, often is deceptive. What we see is only a glimpse of someone's soul and the pain it holds.