I Give You Permission

I've come to the conclusion that there are some people who don't deserve one more minute of your life. You can forgive them, wish them no ill will, but should never receive anything more. You can even pray for them and mean it, but I do believe there are people that can push you to the point of not caring, having no feelings or emotion towards them whatsoever.

No hate. No love. Just indifference.

These are the people that push you to the point of not wanting any more reconciliations. No more "I didn't mean-its". No more misunderstandings. You're just done. You're calm inside where there used to be anything but calmness. And let me say with confidence, that's okay. It's more than okay.

The hardest part isn't not forgiving them, it's forgiving yourself for allowing years of blind loyalty to a person who never deserved it, never appreciated it, and the whole time, you knew who they were and allowed yourself to be taken advantage of again and again and were left completely empty in return. The return was in hopes of a different result, although not one thing had changed. That really is insanity.

I say all this because someone out there needs to know it's okay to walk away. It's okay to be all out of "give". There are going to be people that don't like you. They will call you names, bad ones. There will be people that tell their version of their story, but when you know the truth, none of that matters. The reality of that is the most freeing feeling in the entire world.

You can't fix anyone.

You can't love anyone into being better or replace the love they missed from a parent.

You can't give enough to anyone who only knows how to take.

But you can walk away without bitterness and never look back.

Years ago, my dad asked me if I knew what the word love meant. He said, "I love you" and I said, "I love you, too." And he responded, "Do you really know what that means?" It seemed so important that I knew, but my little kid brain was thinking, "What does he want me to say?"

He said something to the effect that there was nothing I could ever do to make him, or my mom stop loving us. The idea that love doesn't have conditions. Love is ongoing and it grows and keeps growing. Not his words, mine. What stuck with me over the years from that moment, was how important it was to my dad for me to understand what it meant to truly be loved, what it meant to be cared for, respected. Love is about trust. Love is about loyalty. Love is about wanting the best for one another, mutually.

Years later, many years probably, I understood completely. I thought I understood all along, but over the years I was learning through every friendship and relationship I endured, good and bad. I was learning how I needed and deserved to be loved and anything outside that was unacceptable. Anything outside of that, has become completely unacceptable. I had to say it again.

The friends you surround yourself with are just as important as partners you commit forever to. They should speak life into you, encourage you, cheer for you, be there, love your kids, love your pets, show up, listen, care about your life, your hopes, and dreams and everything in between, no matter how small. And if they don't, those aren't your people and you have my permission to leave them behind and never, ever look back knowing you did the right thing.

They will survive. You will survive. Most importantly, you will learn a little bit more what it means to actually love and respect yourself a little, maybe a lot.